I learned so much about me, or rather recognized it, from reading this book that it brought out this insatiable need to write again. I haven't written in a while. Sure, I wrote short stories and my column for Women's View, but I have not sat down and poured my heart and soul onto my laptop screen in over a year. Mostly because writing is not easy, not this type of writing at least. All at once it is freeing, therapeutic, and down right scary. When your thoughts are just in your head, you can ignore them, act like they aren't there. Once they are on paper, it is a very different story. Writing for me, though, is a need. It is not something I can put off. When it hits me, I have to do it. And this book showed me that it is important because my words might hit someone else like these hi me. So here I am, sitting at my computer, not getting ready for church, and writing my blog, because sometimes God speaks to you in other ways that are much more powerful.
When I sat down to write this morning, I didn't realize how long it had been since I had last blogged: October 21, 2009. That realization alone stopped me in my tracks and made me think - how much had happened in that one year and five months? A lot. My mom graduated with her MBA. My grandfather had a "spell" and we spent the next few months determining that it was vascular dementia and it wasn't going to get any better. The next few months we spent trying to figure out what to do. We are still figuring that out today. I started dating a guy, fell in love, only to have my heart shattered into a million pieces and left to pick them up. Nine months later, he came back and we started back at square one. This time, he loves me and I'm scary happy. My heart is still intact and I would like it to stay that way. I applied for grad school, was told to take PBS (post baccalaureate classes), and was then accepted into the program. I am now in my second semester in the program, third total. My best friend got married and moved to Japan. The father of one of my childhood friends died, as did another girl that grew up in the church with me. I can sit here and honestly say that 2010 was one of the best, worst, and most challenging years of my life. I wouldn't change any part of it, but I certainly do not want to relive it.
Thinking the book and this past year, I realize that nothing we do is coincidental. I picked a book because it was a memoir and I am fascinated by other religions. I also picked it because it looked interesting and I wanted "mindless reading" to escape to when I was not reading for class. I had no idea that this book would be like reading the story of my life and that it would provide the proverbial gut punch that I have missed. "Why would anyone miss a gut punch?" you might ask. "Because words are supposed to punch you," is what I would say. Gut punches are the reason that I love books and words so much. They are the most powerful thing that God provided us as humans. The right to think and to speak. The right to question, to research, to find answers, to argue, to demand, to find your way. I have not seen a writer do this in a long time or, rather, I have not found one to do this in a long time.
The last line of the book is something I found myself doing a few years ago.
"Hi God -" I choked on the word.
Growing up in the church is not easy. I can't imagine what it would be like growing up Mormon. Actually, it is not growing up in the church that is not easy, it is finding yourself in the world after you grow up in the church that is not easy. I tripped, I stumbled, I did a few face plants, but I ended up here. Like Elna (and no, I did not forget the 'e' between l and n), I found my way back to where I was supposed to be, with a few changes to my code and beliefs. Between each chapter in the book, there is a page that reads: What I Believe/What I Used to Believe. To complete a page like that each year of your life and go back and review it would be awesome. You can watch yourself grow through the change in your beliefs, just like I can watch myself grow through my blog. I now consider this my page.
As I sit in my chair at my dining room table, drinking my coffee out of a mug that my friend Michaela gave me for Christmas one year, I look at my apartment and know that I need to clean, to grocery shop, and do some homework, among a list of other things. Instead, I sit here and finish this blog because what God has shown me this morning through a book about a Mormon girl, is worth so much more than rushing to get ready and make it to church or cleaning. I have learned that 2010 was worth every tear and every crushing moment, as well as all the awesome ones. I learned who I am, what I believe, and that no matter what gets put in front of me, I will get through it and come out even better on the other side because I have God. I know that I am a Christian. I know what I believe is not what everyone else believes. I know that others will question me and that is okay. I know that God loves me as I am and I strive everyday to be the person he wants me to be. I know that he put the very best people in my life through my friends and my family and I would not trade one of them for someone else. He pushes me. I know it is okay for me to push back. I know that things will get bad, and that's okay. He makes everything okay. After pouring out my heart, I end this blog simply by saying, "Hi, God."
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